The Butter Man/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, for a kid there's nothing more exciting than trimming the old christmas tree. But after the holidays have gone by 40 or 50 times, it's really hard to get up for it without large quantities of alcohol. But as every handyman knows, there are two ways to do anything... The right way, and the quick way. Man, I am so clever. And now, quicker than you can say o, tannenbaum -- or ask somebody what the heck it means, you've decked your halls. Ho, ho, ho. Oh! Oh! Oh! [ cheers and applause ] yeah. Thanks very much. Appreciate that. All the best of the holiday season. Don't burn yourself on your credit card. I'm pretty excited coz I got a great christmas gift for harold. Harold's not just hard to buy for. He's hard to want to buy for. [ chuckles ] but he's driving up to his parents' place, and he's so useless on directions that I got him one of these talking navigational systems. I programmed in the destination. Listen to this... Robotic voice: Go north on #4 side road 12.7 kilometers -- [ chuckles ] I got a real deal on this baby. No box, no warranty, no store. I bought it from mike. Yeah, the price was right. When the cops went by, he cut that in half. I can't wait to give this to harold. Uncle red! Uncle red! Yeah, yeah, harold, you know what? I can't wait to give you this gift. Here you go. Yeah, but it's not christmas yet. I know, but this is something you can start using right now. Oh, okay! Okay. Okay. Okay. Well, here's your gift. It's something you can use right away as well. Oh, great. Fantastic! Holy mackerel! Look at the size of the instruction manual. [ unenthusiastic ] oh, it's a book. But not just any book. Look at the title. "the butter man"? "the better man." oh. It's to help you create stability in your life. Oh, great, great. Great. Oh! Oh! Yeah. Oh, lookit! I've wanted one of these for so long! Oh -- what is that? Just push the red button, harold. The red button? Robotic voice: Quack! No, no, try it again. Oh. Robotic voice: Quack! Gimme that. Okay. Robotic voice: Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! [ quacking continues ] you might wanna start with chapter 4... [ laughter and applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's winner receives this coupon for a free box of tinsel from tinsel town. The only store that sells only tinsel all year round. Don't forget our tinsel slogan... "how's it hangin'?" okay, ed, cover your ears. Mr. Green, you've got 30 seconds to get ed frid to say this word... Yeah, all right, mike. And... Go! Uh, okay, ed, you find this under the tree. Squirrel droppings. No, no, no, you find this under the christmas tree on christmas morning. Aunt helen. No, okay, okay, ed, what do you always get at christmas? Oh, hives. Okay, no, um... This is red and green in colour and has a bow. Robin hood? No, uh -- okay, when you go shopping at the mall, what do you get? Bored. Um, ed, remember a year ago? What was your girlfriend hiding from you? Her other boyfriends. Ahem, we're almost outta time, mr. Green. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Ed, remember when you were a kid at christmas? All you wanted to know is, when are we opening the... Cages! No, no, I mean you'd come down on christmas morning, your eyes would be wide open and you'd say, wow! Look at all the... Rats! From the cages. And I could really yell. My voice had a lot of presence. There we go! ♪ comes down the chimney on christmas eve ♪ ♪ after we've all gone to bed ♪ ♪ he's not all that nice or jolly ♪ ♪ until after he's been fed ♪ ♪ he's got beady eyes and yellow teeth ♪ ♪ and his fur drops off when he molts ♪ ♪ his tail kinda wiggles and dances and jiggles ♪ ♪ like a snake takin' 300 volts ♪ ♪ he's cheesy ♪ ♪ cheesy ♪ ♪ the christmas rat ♪ ♪ long and smelly and pretty darned fat ♪ ♪ cheesy ♪ ♪ cheesy ♪ ♪ the christmas rat ♪ ♪ dropping a little surprise in your hat ♪ ♪ it comes with a gift, you don't have to beg ♪ ♪ he here to give everyone bubonic plague ♪ ♪ cheesy ♪ ♪ cheesy ♪ ♪ the christmas rat ♪ ♪ and that's why everybody should have a gun! ♪ merry christmas. [ applause ] you know, christmas is a time of peace on earth and goodwill to men, but nothing wrecks that faster than getting surprised with a crappy gift. Okay, you expect a few crappy gifts. That's what grandparents are for. But it's the surprise that'll kill you. So in keeping with the christmas spirit. I'm gonna show you how to identify the duds long before you open them. That gives you time to rehearse a big fake smile on the off chance that the gift is from a wealthy relative who senses your disappointment as you hurl it out the window, putting their nose out of joint, and your name outta the will. Now, I know you've all tried this one... Shaking is for amateurs; you're a professional. We have a gift emergency! Is there a doctor in the house? Big breath and hold. Okay, if it doesn't shake at all, it's clothing. Big trouble because nobody ever buys you the right size. Mainly because you lie about your size. Even if it does shake, don't be fooled. It could be a cardigan with a rock in the pocket. Time to take her to the next level. Now you wanna check the opaque, translucent transparency quotient of the item. Six sealed beam headlights at close range roughly approximates the intensity of the sun. What you're hopin' for is a dark shape in there. If it lets light through it's a weave, and you know what that means... Clothing. Don't go halfway. Use your high beams. Still don't know? It's time to do something to the gift that you would never do to yourself... Weigh it. If it weighs a lot for its size, that's a really good sign. Nylon and dacron aren't heavy. But if it's got some heft to it, that's gotta be good news, which this gift does. This is getting exciting. Now we try the magnet. That's another good sign. Unless it's a pair of pants with a really huge fly. But that's a whole different kind of compliment. Now we have to test the resistance to compression. See, a sports jacket can be squished into a beret. But a portable magellan roadmate 700... Rock solid. What you're listening for is any kind of faint cracking or splintering. If you hear either one of those, you can be sure you've just made the gift very difficult to return. Man, it was a laptop! I don't want a laptop. Who would buy me a laptop? "to harold"? Boy, that was close. [ applause ] I wanna talk to you older fellas for a minute about your christmas spirit. Remember when you had some? Back when you were a kid, christmas was the best time of the year. No school, free stuff and a fat guy falling down a chimney. What's not to like? But then as you got older, that excitement started to fade, didn't it? You used to love watching "it's a wonderful life." then you just got sick of it. Then you started watching it again, except this time you found yourself rootin' for old man potter. Of course it's no surprise that christmas gets less exciting for a middle aged guy. By the end of the day your wife is cranky from over work; the tree is dry from under watering; and the kids are on a sugar buzz that won't let up 'til groundhog day. Here's the thing... Just coz you're stressed out, that's no excuse for ruining everybody else's christmas. So I want you to focus on the good stuff... Your family loves you; you've been blessed with safety and comfort; and most importantly, when you wake up tomorrow, you'll be as far away from next christmas as you're gonna get all year. Remember, I'm pullin' for you. We're all in this together. If something's coming down your chimney and it ain't santa, call me. [ applause ] I want to say a few words to the yuletide pollyanna's out there. Oh, now don't get me wrong. You know, as a store owner I'm a big fan of christmas. I just have a slight problem with all those people who feel that everybody should put on a happy face. I don't have a happy face. It's not that I'm not happy. I'm coping. You know, I didn't smile at my wedding. That didn't mean I was upset. I'm sure at the time marrying anne marie seemed like a fine idea. So don't expect me to get all giddy just because it's -- it's christmas, you know. Those people with their big, phony happy faces are just extremely annoying. You know, and as far as I'm concerned, those carolers, they're just asking for it. So this christmas, let's all just back off a notch, shall we? Merry christmas. [ applause ] okay, I've got harold's navigational device working like a charm. He must have been pressing the wrong button. Check this out. Robotic voice: You are approaching dead man's curve. Uncle red! Yep? I found your book in the outhouse. Yeah, I know. I thought that was the perfect spot for it. Oh no, you're right. Staples. You know, I don't think you have the christmas spirit. I sure do. In fact, I'm offering you the possum van to drive up to your parents' place. Oh, no, no, no, thanks. I'm renting a car. Yeah, but I'm trying to save you a few dollars here. Yes, but I want to get there. And you will, harold, with the navigational wizard. Here. Press the red button this time. Robotic voice: You are a dead man. [ laughter and applause ] red: Well, harold and walter had put a nice little christmas display with the reindeer and the sleigh. Just waiting for bill to come on and see what he thought of it. Hmm. I don't think he noticed. I don't think he did that on purpose. And when they pointed it out to him he felt real bad. Real -- oh my goodness. You killed santa. So he's an idea, though. He hands him the extension cord and he's gonna -- I think -- you know, bill's not a bad guy. He would try to -- try to replace what he'd -- he has a washing machine. I don't quite under-- but bill's -- oh, there goes santa again. So, uh, bill hops out, and I don't quite know what he's got in mind here. Walter's pointing out about the santa and so on. Bill -- oh, I see. He brought some christmas lights. They're a little tangled, but uh, harold's very, very good with untangling. Wow. Unbelievable. So that's a little heavier than she looks there, bill. I don't think you're gonna -- no, no, bill, don't be doing that. And bill remembers he's got the big string -- uh, the big spring on the hood release and -- oh, look out! Oh, oh! So, santa took the hit again. Walter duct taped santa together. This is the third time he's blown up santa and he's getting a little woozy so he comes over to the wa -- now, easy now. Settle down, settle down. Into the -- just into the -- oh, oh oh. Oh. Duct tape. There you go. So harold goes over to plug the lights in, and he plugs them in there, and look at that. That looks great. I don't know what the other wire's for. Hey that looks real good, real good. So now we go back to finish the display. I'm not sure that -- oh! Okay, we're good. I'm not sure that filling the santa with propane was plan "a", but all right. Oh, okay, so the washing machine is the sleigh. I see. I see. All right. And what are these? Jumper cables, these -- for what reason do we have jumper cables here? Maybe -- oh, okay. These are the reins. These are the reins for the reindeer. Wait a minute. You got it on your terminal there, bill. Okay, so now -- but where are the reindeer? You can't have reins without reindeer. Okay, okay, so the garden gnomes are the reindeer. All right, okay. I got you. Okay, so we -- all right -- boy, I tell you, are they going to pay attention. Okay, so -- okay, I got it. Santa's got the reins. Okay, looking good. And harold's got to plug in the lights. And she's looking good. Now that is a good-looking -- then he picks up the -- now that's the agitator plug, harold. I don't think -- harold, I don't think -- harold. Harold? Oh, oh. Oh, boy. Well, you better not pout, you better not cry, santa claus is coming to town. [ applause ] look familiar? My wife hates this mess we always get after we open our christmas presents. She says that every time she crosses the room, she's got to worry about breaking something I gave her, and then she can't return it. Now, sure, I could pick this stuff up by hand and recycle it I guess. But, hey, I got a vacuum cleaner for christmas, not a work ethic. Now, you're supposed to put a bag in the canister of the unit, but for this job, we're going to let the bag out of the vac. The only other thing you have to do is position it a little bit better in your room so that the output is pointing right at the fireplace. Then laying your fingers upon your new hose just aim at the crap, and up the chimney she goes. By the way, this idea's also great for making certain other things disappear. Like, say, that sweater harold bought me. Acrylic. [ applause ] christmas is my favourite day of the year. It's a time for renewal and forgiveness, a time for reflection, to think about all the things you've done in your past, you want to go back and change some of them, you won't get caught next time. But you can't undo the past, so you must learn from it. For example, you can learn that security cameras are often hooked up to more than one machine at the same time. So when you pull the tape out and then you start making faces and making rude gestures at the camera, it's not always a prudent behavioral choice. But mainly christmas is about people. It's not about the presents you get and then you offer to give back for a reduced sentence. It's about good friends spending time together in a safe, warm place. And that's what a wish for each and every one of you, to spend the time of christmas together. It's just like the song says... "for the holidays, "you just can't beat home sweet home." merry christmas. [ applause ] looking for that last-minute stocking stuffer? How about sewage? Introducing a gift certificate for one free pump-out for your favourite loved one. It's the gift that keeps on sucking. Trying to fix the wiring in harold's navigational unit here. It's a little tricky when you've got no manual, no wiring diagram and no formal training of any kind. But it seems to me a bad connection in the power supply to this circuit board here. Well, you're easy to find. Where there's smoke, there's uncle red. Uh, harold, uh, is there anything else you wanted for christmas? Oh, no. No, that's lots. How about yourself? Would you like something other than the book? No, no, no. The book is great. Really? Oh yeah. It's brought stability to my life. You're welcome. I tell you what, harold. I'm offering to drive up with you to your parents' place, and I'll make sure you get there. Well, actually, I'm taking bonnie with me. I want her to meet my parents, you know. And she's good with maps, and she's not bossy, and she smells good. You know, but the best part is that you offered. No, the best part is I don't have to go. [ possum squealing ] meeting time. Yeah, you go ahead, harold. I'll be right down. If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And I don't need any navigational system to find my way. I'm a homer. And I'm hoping to hit a homer. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. Oh behalf of myself, harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, have a great christmas and keep your stick on the ice. [ whistles and applause ] sit down. Have a seat. Sit down. Sit down. There you go. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to... I guess. Okay men, I want you to enjoy the holiday season, but I'm asking you to use a little restraint. Don't be making a fool of yourself by eating too much or drinking way too much at christmas. That's what the superbowl is for! Merry christmas, guys. Merry christmas. Mike: Merry christmas, everybody. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com